Everybody has a Demon. What's yours?

Marcus and I debated about sending out a Christmas letter this year, but honestly, I couldn't think of very many good things to put in this letter. Nothing I was proud of. It would be a letter completely about Lydia. Now, I am not saying that we weren't blessed this year, it just seems Marcus and I faced a lot of hardship. This year, I learned of my demon.

Everyone has one. Whether you believe it or not, but you do. Something the constantly haunts you, teases you, and makes you question even your own faith. I guess this is what makes your faith stronger.

Now, what is my demon? Like many of you, I have multiple demons, but two haunt me the most. Debt and our family that isn't with us. Right now, what seems to haunt me is the miscarriage this past September 18. I was 9 weeks. Baby was due April 23. It seems this baby just haunts me. The what ifs and what should have been. Now, this isn't my first time battling this demon. We battled this demon on December 29, 2009 for the first time and a second time on May 28, 2010. Three babies.  Right now, it seems that everyone I meet that is pregnant is due in April. They are all finding out if it's a boy or a girl and it is just a constant reminder of pain I am honestly trying to ignore. But, this demon has grown into something bigger this time. This demon has tried my faith in God more than any other thing has. It probably always will until after her due date and even until after her first birthday. I mean really, I still think about my other two.  Now, the thought of pregnancy scares me. Are we just going to continue this cycle?

Now, this is when my wonderful daughter, Lydia comes in. Her smile as she runs to me makes me feel it will be okay. Whether she has a sibling or not, she reminds me that after two miscarriages that she is here blessing my life. Right now, she is sitting in my lap watching Elmo's Potty Time for the umpteenth time. And honestly, I wouldn't trade it. I cling to her so tightly recognizing what a miracle she truly is. I would love to bless her with a sibling. Yet, even if she remains an only child, she is still mine.

I fight this demon almost every day. My husband and I still cry over our lost one that we never got to meet. I will remember the pain of that miscarriage for a while. But, eventually that memory will fade.

We all have our demons. We all have had traumatic things happen in our lives that eventually haunt us and become our demons. Just how to we fight these demons?

In learning how to fight these demons, I have learned one thing. To Pray.

                                                                    "Demons"

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

Curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you've made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide