Everybody has a Demon. What's yours?

Marcus and I debated about sending out a Christmas letter this year, but honestly, I couldn't think of very many good things to put in this letter. Nothing I was proud of. It would be a letter completely about Lydia. Now, I am not saying that we weren't blessed this year, it just seems Marcus and I faced a lot of hardship. This year, I learned of my demon.

Everyone has one. Whether you believe it or not, but you do. Something the constantly haunts you, teases you, and makes you question even your own faith. I guess this is what makes your faith stronger.

Now, what is my demon? Like many of you, I have multiple demons, but two haunt me the most. Debt and our family that isn't with us. Right now, what seems to haunt me is the miscarriage this past September 18. I was 9 weeks. Baby was due April 23. It seems this baby just haunts me. The what ifs and what should have been. Now, this isn't my first time battling this demon. We battled this demon on December 29, 2009 for the first time and a second time on May 28, 2010. Three babies.  Right now, it seems that everyone I meet that is pregnant is due in April. They are all finding out if it's a boy or a girl and it is just a constant reminder of pain I am honestly trying to ignore. But, this demon has grown into something bigger this time. This demon has tried my faith in God more than any other thing has. It probably always will until after her due date and even until after her first birthday. I mean really, I still think about my other two.  Now, the thought of pregnancy scares me. Are we just going to continue this cycle?

Now, this is when my wonderful daughter, Lydia comes in. Her smile as she runs to me makes me feel it will be okay. Whether she has a sibling or not, she reminds me that after two miscarriages that she is here blessing my life. Right now, she is sitting in my lap watching Elmo's Potty Time for the umpteenth time. And honestly, I wouldn't trade it. I cling to her so tightly recognizing what a miracle she truly is. I would love to bless her with a sibling. Yet, even if she remains an only child, she is still mine.

I fight this demon almost every day. My husband and I still cry over our lost one that we never got to meet. I will remember the pain of that miscarriage for a while. But, eventually that memory will fade.

We all have our demons. We all have had traumatic things happen in our lives that eventually haunt us and become our demons. Just how to we fight these demons?

In learning how to fight these demons, I have learned one thing. To Pray.

                                                                    "Demons"

When the days are cold
And the cards all fold
And the saints we see
Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail
And the ones we hail
Are the worst of all
And the blood’s run stale

I wanna hide the truth
I wanna shelter you
But with the beast inside
There’s nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

Curtain’s call
Is the last of all
When the lights fade out
All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave
And the masquerade
Will come calling out
At the mess you've made

Don't wanna let you down
But I am hell bound
Though this is all for you
Don't wanna hide the truth

No matter what we breed
We still are made of greed
This is my kingdom come
This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide
Don’t get too close
It’s dark inside
It’s where my demons hide
It’s where my demons hide

My changing identity as a musician.

So... here I am, almost 3 years out of college with a BA in Music with an emphasis in Horn and I am sitting in no where Nebraska wondering if I wasted talent or this is where I need to be musically. I have played with two symphonies, one semi-professional and of a lower eschelon status where I actually got payed to play, while the other is completely volunteer but they help pay for gas. Many of you may not know this, but I actually was accepted to Wichita State University and I was working on auditioning for a GTA position with the Wichita Symphony Orchestra. Life happened. I got pregnant with Lydia and my husband found a job teaching. So, I auditioned for the Hastings Symphony Orchestra and used my talents there.

Taken by Grant Anderson

Now, 3 years out of college and having a bajillion different identity crisis in the process, I play in a volunteer orchestra and working full time as a para where my husband teaches. I also have had the opportunity to give trumpet lessons to a 6th grader who is actually doing quite well. Not sure if it is because of my teaching or just that she has talent. I am mostly going towards talent.

Photo from my sister Kaylin and I's Junior recital poster.

These past two years with the volunteer symphony I have been sitting lower than I have ever sat. Not trying to sound cocky (trust me that is the last thing I want to do) but from Junior year in high school through all of my college career I sat Principal chair. When I was with Hastings I sat second next to a really strong first player who was just amazing. I didn't mind sitting behind her at all. I actually learned a lot for her. She taught me to not be so hard on myself and to trust my judgement and the technique I did have. But now, I am constantly sitting 3rd or 4th chair, and I don't know if this is based off of talent level, skill set, or just random. I don't get why people are sitting in the places they are. Makes no sense to me. Anyway, this is making myself question what I am as a horn player now. I had a major reality check when I auditioned for a music scholarship last semester and totally botched it. The horn teacher said that she knew I could play better than that since she had heard me in rehearsal, but she said my audition wasn't good at all. I've never had that happen before. Big slap in the face. All of a sudden, the strong horn player who consistently sat high in parts, was now one of the lowest in the group. What happened?

The NWU horn section I believe my junior year.

One of the things I kept telling Marcus was that I wanted to play. I always wanted to be good. I never wanted to give up horn or have my children be told what a good horn player I used to be. I always wanted to stay that good. I never wanted to be a "used to be." I found myself getting angry and jealous that I wasn't playing the solos, but then I remembered that I also worked full-time, I live an hour away from the rehearsal site, and that I have a child who demands a lot of my attention. These things I didn't find giving me excuses, but more of a reality check of how different my life was from the college students who actually have those opportunities to practice everyday.

Taken by Grant Anderson for an art project while at NWU

So, where does that leave me now? I am not even sure. I have conflicting feelings on where I want to be. I am no where close to where I used to be with technique and musicality. I know if I wanted too I could get back to that, but how much work would that take? Am I willing to work towards that when I have other priorities?

My Senior Recital portrait.

I don't know where I am at. I know though that my heart aches whenever I listen to great musical lit. Especially with beautiful horn parts. I know that I struggle that I can't be a leader in my section. I also know I dream about really playing. My horn currently sits in it's case not knowing that last time it was truly practiced. Played... well last week, but a solid practice session, neither of us know. I do know is that I miss those days where I knew that the talent was there and when opportunity arose, I was able to play well and beautifully as well.

Playing at my sister's wedding. 

I will say though, I am extremely grateful for the life I do have. I have an extremely loving family, a supportive husband, and an goofy little girl. I get to play my horn still and give lessons to a young trumpet player. I also have the opportunity to be a para in a 5th grade band classroom, even though I do find myself being occupied with other things in the classroom than helping kids learn music, but I guess that comes with being in a 5th grade classroom with all of those new shiny things called instruments that they get to touch and play. ;)

Even though I am still feeling conflicted about my identity as a horn player, in all reality, who can turn this down? I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Karin

Mission #healthierself

FINALLY!!! I am feeling successful with my weight loss journey and my Mission #healthierself. I have hit my pre-preggo weight of 207! A year ago I was 217, I dropped down like 6 pounds  then I gained almost another 20. I am making positive progress and I can tell with how my pants keep falling down (even fresh out of the dryer) and I can actually see the change.

Now... how am I doing this?
First. Motivation. I was reading a blog on motivation and how to lose weight. I finally found my first motivation for my first BIG GOAL which is to lose 25 pounds. 25 pounds would put me in the "wonderland" of just barely under 200. So, here is my motivation. My goal is to lose 25 pounds by the time I am 25 years old. That date is September 8. Honestly, that is PLENTY of time I would think, but it helps because I know I have reasonable time to reach that goal. Especially, if I plateau like I did for a month. Horrible! You want to talk about frustrating? It's staying at the exact same weight when you have added exercise to boot and you don't move at all. Ugh! Well, at least I know I have plenty of time if that happens again. My other motivation is this. To not be in the Plus Size Section ever again. I am boarder line. I can find clothes that fit me on both sides, but it sucks when stuff doesn't fit and you have to go to a completely different section of the store. Also, I WANT TO WEAR THOSE FREAKING AWESOME CALF BOOTS!! My calves are too fat for them. The boots don't go over them.

How am I doing it?
Honestly, it's changing my portion control, diet, and adding exercise. There it is my friends. The secret to weight loss. Who would of thunk? I will say I did subscribe to WeightWatchers which actually helped quite a bit. Tracking what you eat (not tracking in your head but actually recording it somewhere) really helps. Knowing the nutritional value of what you eat compared to others while you record really changed things for me. I am getting to the point where my diet and portion intake is becoming a habit, so I might cancel WeightWatchers soon, but we'll see. I love the program and I HIGHLY recommend it to everyone. It teaches you how to eat and you don't have to completely change your lifestyle.

Next thing is exercise. Honestly, I still don't do it enough. I found on Pinterest a layout to train for a 5k. Now, I don't know if I will ever do a 5k but I figure if I am in shape enough to run 5k, that's good enough for me. So, I started doing it. It starts with walking, then interval training running, and eventually you are only running. I am not to that point yet. But, for what it is worth, it's making me feel better about myself.


STOP MAKING EXCUSES!
Unless you have specific instructions from your doctor not to exercise YOU HAVE NO EXCUSE!! That was the next biggest thing for me. And I still struggle with it. I will come up with excuses not to exercise. Here is a list of my top excuses. And my responses.

1. I'm Tired   -- I'm a Mom. I am going to be tired for the rest of my life. Plus, if I am in better shape, I won't be as tired.

2. I don't want people to see me  -- Get over it. Period. A dear friend of mine wrote me this when I was worried about people watching me exercise outside.

"Three ladies were sitting on the porch having coffee and eating cake. A very large fat man would run by them. Usually failing and having to stop to breathe. They would laugh at him every time he ran past because he just looked stupid and miserable. He was an eyesore to watch exercise while every portion of his body jiggled with every step. Everyday he ran by. Then one day the man was running by. He was lean and ran with ease. Then the ladies realized while he worked and while they laughed, they were still on the porch eating cake..."

Be that man.

3. It's too hot -- No, crap Sherlock. It's summer. Welcome to Nebraska. If you expect perfect weather conditions to work out, you will never work out.

4. I'm sore.  --Good. You're supposed to be.

5. My knees/hip/ankles blah blah blah hurt. --you know what, yeah. That is a problem. There are TONS of low impact exercises out there. Use them. If you need help, talk to your doctor on what  you can do.

6. I have no where to workout. --Yes you do. Do you live in a house? Good. That house is somehow connected to a street. Guess what?! Streets are open 24 hours. Crazy! Sometimes, it is just nice walking/running in the moonlight. You see a whole different side to nature.

For those working out inside (I did this in the past.)

7. I don't have room. --Make room. Move furniture around so you have the space to work out. Make it part of your work out. Especially if you are home during the day anyway. It doesn't take that long.

8. My kid isn't napping -- then make them a part of your workouts. They are great for weight training.

9. I'm sick. Like flu. <---ok is="" legit.="" one="" p="" that="">
10. Any other excuse you can come up with.  --It's probably not good enough. Traveling? They have streets too.

Considered yourself chewed out. :)

DON'T GIVE UP! I am just now personally seeing some results with my weight loss. I am down about 17 pounds and have been at this since I think February is when I decided. It takes a while, but that is okay! Just keep going!

So... what's with this weird hashtag thing I am doing?

So. Here is the story. My husband is addicted to youtube. (Marcus really. You are. You are still in the denial phase. :) ) A close second is Reddit. Anyway, he started watching a HILARIOUS family called The ShayTards. Shay is the father that does most of the recording. Originally he started vlogging because he wanted to lose weight. It was called Mission Shayloss or something lame like that. Anyway, he recorded his weight loss journey. I thought this was quite cool. I also liked that the titled it and made it a mission. Therefore, I was inspired to come up with Mission #healthierself. I just wish when I started I would have put the hashtag in front of Mission too. Oh well. Feel free to follow me on twitter (kprice1220). I will try to keep my journey more updated. :)


I should be a motivational speaker that lives in a van down by the river...

Love you all lots! Keep going!
Karin

Would anyone be interested?

So... like many others out there, we can use money. I have been brainstorming on what talents I have and if it can help with family income. I have been told that I could sell some of the stuff I create, but the thing is... is there a demand for it? So, I am asking you. Would anyone be interested in the stuff I create? I am going to post just a couple pictures, but it isn't everything I have done. I also have an album of more stuff on Facebook. I just don't want to start making stuff and then not sell it. Seems kinda counter productive if you ask me.
Anyway... feedback please. Here are just a couple pictures.

A chandelier 

Royal Iced Cookies. Thing is, I have only made these once. Turned out really good for the first try...

Name Decor

Please leave feedback on here or on Facebook if anyone would be interested in this stuff...

Thanks

Karin

Life in the Price Family

Golly! It has been a long time since I have posted ANYTHING! Usually, I get inspired or something so then I write. But, I have had a lot of people ask how our family is doing, so here is an update!

Marcus:
He has been super busy with his school! The band program has quadrupled since he started teaching here! So, super awesome. The kids really seem to enjoy him. He also had the opportunity to play with a local symphony in the percussion section. He really enjoyed that and loves to play any instrument he can get his hands on. Marcus was also head speech coach this year and took a couple kids to state! So that was very exciting.

Karin:
I just finished my first semester of going back to school. I decided to go back and go after my certification to teach Music Education. (I know, a bunch of people are telling me "I TOLD YOU SO!") I was really excited with my grades. Piano Tech IV was really difficult for me. I haven't played piano in a long time and I had to make up some proficiencies. I passed all of my proficiency tests AND earned a B- in the class!!! I was shooting for a C so that was exciting. I also just finished up playing with the local symphony in the horn section. Gotta tell ya, I love to play. :) I have also been working at the local school as a para educator. That is actually what helped me decide that teaching is what I want to do. I was also assistant speech coach this year. So our weekends were busy for a LONG time. They are finally starting to slow down and we are having weekends at home. Yay!

Lydia:
I don't know if you guys want videos of her on youtube or not, but she is a really busy squirt. She has hit 21 months now and is EVERYWHERE! I found out recently that she can reach the counters, so I pushed everything back. Well, that didn't stop her. She opened the cupboards and climbed up them to reach what she wanted and then proceeded to grab a box of chocolate cereal and dump it all over the floor. I guess she thought she and our dog Charly deserved a snack. Anyway, she is super busy. Marcus and I are speaking to her in English and in Spanish and she is actually picking up on both! So, that is very exciting. She is running and trying to figure out how to jump.

Lydia's words: Mommy, Daddy, Da, Mama, Charly, Please, Thank you, no, yes, si, the spanish word for listen but I don't know how to spell it, hi, hello, bye bye, nuh night, cracker, elmo, inside, outside, puppy, kitty, cow, baby, and I am sure there are tons more and I just can't remember them off of the top of my head.

Anyway, that is a little update for you. Things have been super busy, but we are loving it. We are loving it more that things are starting to slow down a little and we can enjoy time being a family. :)

Karin

Marcus and the squirt

One of my favorite photos of Lydia from her 18 month session in February.

My most favortest favorite of her! ;)

Getting fit

A long time ago, I posted a blog about how I was determined to loose weight. Remember? I do, because it turned into a failure. Why? Because I gave up.

It was about a year ago actually, because I wanted to be under 200 for my sister's wedding. I started at 217 and I got down to 202 then I hit a plateau. I was angry. Marcus was loosing weight faster than I was and I was having cravings for fatty foods like crazy. I gave up.

Well, due to me giving up I hit an all time high. I was the same weight as when I was full term with my daughter, Lydia. I hit the scale as was at 222.8. Yikes! I was at 230 the last time I was weighed before delivering Lydia. I cried. I was almost the same weight as when I was full term. I couldn't believe it. So, I decided to try again, this time with a different mindset of I will not give up. I started turning things around in February.

I am using Weight Watchers again. I loved how it worked last time and I love it now. I would totally recommend it to anyone who can use some structure when trying to loose weight. It teaches you how to eat and holds you accountable. It also helps you set goals. The first goal was to loose a percentage of body weight. Which I HIT TODAY!! YAY! I have gone from 222.8 to 209.4 today! Yeah, I am excited.

Here are some of my reasons why I want to loose weight.

1. To have a longer life with my husband and daughter
2. To reduce the chances of a high likelihood of getting diabetes or heart disease (thank you family genetics.)
3. To obtain a real goal that I have set for myself
4. Confidence and self esteem. Both can use a little boost right now
5. To have more energy for my family
6. To feel attractive when I see myself in the mirror and smile!
7. To be able to go to ANY store and find clothes that fit and not have to worry if I need to be in the Plus section or the Misses section
8. TO WEAR CALF HEIGHT BOOTS!! Those things rock, but my calves are too big to even zip them up
9. To feel more comfortable in a swimsuit
10. To be able to go up a flight of stairs without being winded
11. I want my knees and feet to stop hurting so bad
12. To have healthier pregnancies at a lower weight.

So, those are my reasons for wanting to loose. I think they are pretty good reasons myself! My goals include basic get past 210 (which I have just accomplished), then beat my last low which was 202, then get below 200, and then I will set goals from there. My longterm goal is to fit in to a size 12 pant or dress. I am also telling myself I probably won't get my actual nice stomach back that I had in high school, mostly due to being pregnant with an almost 9 pound baby. But that's okay! I earned those stripes.

A picture before my BEAUTIFUL sister's wedding. Yes, I have a twin. I am the person in the blue. I would love to look at this picture and enjoy it. But, I keep looking at my stomach and arms. The sister getting hitched has lost TONS of weight. So, I am super proud of her. I would say she is my inspiration. :)

I am in the black with the read boa. I can even remember sucking in my gut in this picture and it is still hanging out. But, working on it. 

I tried going on a run yesterday with 3 min intervals of walking and running. I couldn't make it the whole three minutes of running. So, I need to readjust. This is the terrain I am running in. Beautiful, but difficult. 

Afterwards. I DID IT! Now to just keep going.

Anyway, thanks to everyone that is encouraging me! I appreciate it more than you know.  I am trying to become a healthier and more confident person. And I am on my way! Just have to keep going!

Good words to live by:

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

 19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?

 20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.

Karin

We endure pain and suffering. We grieve. All of these things will be replaced with pure happiness and joy.

It has been a long time since I have last posted something.
Honestly, I should be typing my case study for class. But I keep thinking I need to be typing here. Maybe my thoughts can help someone else. I don't know.

There has been a lot of sadness this week here in this small town. Last week, a young family had lost their first little baby girl. First child period. They buried her this week. The local school had to call a "snow day" just because most of the staff were going to be attending that baby girl's funeral. I wanted to go to the funeral. I really did. But I kept thinking to myself what did I have to offer? I had nothing to give to this family. I can't even imagine what they are dealing with. The closest thing I can relate too is a miscarriage I had two years ago, and honestly, it really sucked, but that is no where close to the same thing.

I decided not to go. Not just because I didn't have anything to offer, but I didn't want to see it. I didn't want to see the family mourn. I didn't want to see a child being put into the ground when a huge snowstorm would be coming. I kept thinking of Lydia and what it would be like to loose her, and I cried. This family must be strong to be able to go through this, because I wouldn't be able too.

This isn't the first time Franklin had to bury a baby. Almost two years ago, a dear friend of mine lost her daughter, they declared her a stillborn. The mother went in for surgery with the baby alive, and woke up finding out that the baby was gone. The child was full term.

These losses of young children has really got me thinking about the gospel. It has put things into a sort of perspective. Heavenly Father knows what he is doing. These little babies are so lucky that they got to return home so soon. This makes me extremely grateful for the Plan of Happiness or the Plan of Salvation. For those of you who are reading and don't know what that is, its okay. Ill be talking about it a little more.

Before we come to Earth, we are just spirits. We have no bodies. Our Heavenly Father had a plan for us and we were aware of the plan. We knew the trials we would be facing, we knew who our families were going to be. We knew everything. But, in order to become the best we can be, and to be perfect like our Heavenly Father, we had to gain physical bodies and learn lessons about life. Lessons about loving, caring, empathy, work, hardships, and enduring to the end. This is where we learn how to become like Heavenly Father and get back home to him. So, we are sent to Earth. We are carefully and beautifully made in our mothers' wombs. Here we gain our bodies. They may not be perfect, we might endure trials with them. But that is part of it. This isn't the whole plan of salvation, but this is what I am thinking on right now.

After this, we grow. We grow and we learn. We endure pain and suffering, but with this pain and suffering we learn what joy and love is. Without pain and suffering, there is no way we can understand true joy and happiness.

I guess that is what I have been trying to get too. It really sucks that both of these families have lost small children. I can't even describe the pain I feel for them. But, how lucky are those two babies that they are already with Christ. They were already perfect. They didn't need to learn the hardships of life. They just had to gain their bodies and then go home. How wonderful is that?! They were already perfect. They will never have to feel pain. They will never have to suffer. They get to be in the gentle arms of Christ instead. What a comfort to know this.

I am extremely grateful for the Plan of Salvation (aka The Plan of Happiness). I love that we are part of a huge plan to become more like our loving Heavenly Father. That we get to experience hardships and suffering so we can learn what real joy and happiness really is. When we endure pain and suffering, it will all be replace with pure joy and happiness.

I have a huge testimony of the Plan of Salvation and I hope you can see that. I will bear this testimony over and over again, and I pray this brings comfort to others who haven't heard this yet. I pray this brings comfort to those who have lost anyone, not just small children. I love this gospel. I love the gospel the LDS church teaches and I am a proud member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. And now you know one of the reasons why.

Please remember, we all endure trials. We all have losses and suffering. We can get through it. The lesson truly is how do we handle it and are we able to pick ourselves back up and push forward and just endure to the end. Happiness and Joy are ahead of us, we just need to keep going to get there.

Karin